Right Speech: 6 Ways you can be saying the wrong thing
At the Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW), we are continuing our special series exploring the shadow side of the 16 Guidelines. Each month, we take a deeper look at how these values, when misunderstood, unbalanced or driven by unconscious motives, can manifest in ways that limit our well-being and relationships. By bringing these shadow patterns into the light, we create the opportunity to transform them into greater clarity, resilience and compassion. This month, our focus is on the Right Speech and how the shadow side often shows up in subtle, everyday ways.
Right Speech is one of the 16 Guidelines for Life, inviting us to speak with insight and sensitivity. When practised with awareness, it builds trust, connection and peace. But even with the best intentions, by saying the wrong thing, our words can stray into shadow territory, creating confusion, pain or division without us even realising it.
In today’s world, speech in social situations is no longer limited to what we say out loud. Much of our communication now takes place online: in texts, comments, emails and social media posts. A single sentence or derogatory word can be screenshotted, forwarded and interpreted by thousands of people in seconds. The reach of our words has expanded, and so has their potential impact.
On social media especially, social cues are missed, tone is often lost and misunderstandings multiply. A sarcastic joke may be read as cruel. A vague post might stir anxiety or speculation. A private comment, once shared publicly, can change reputations or relationships in an instant. Right Speech isn’t only about how we speak, it’s also about how we write.
This article explores six subtle but common ways our speech can become harmful in social situations by saying the wrong thing, and offers reflections and actionable practice tips to help bring our words back into alignment with compassion and clarity.
Right Speech and Its Social Impact
From a very early age, through social skills development, words begin to shape our sense of self and our relationships. Through trial and error, following social cues, we learn how to use key language in social situations to get what we need, avoid trouble, express who we are, and influence the people around us. Speech becomes a tool for survival and connection. But over time, habits form, and some of those habits don’t serve us, or others, very well.
Right Speech, as defined in the 16 Guidelines, means speaking with insight and sensitivity. It invites us to consider the effect of our words on others and ourselves. It asks us to pause and consider intent and impact. Ask not just “What do I want to say?” but also “Why am I saying this?” and “Is it truly helpful?”
Yet, even with the intention to speak well, we can fall into the shadow side of Right Speech by saying the wrong thing. This is where language loses its clarity, care or purpose, and becomes a means of self-protection, manipulation or harm.
“Words are free. It’s how you use them that may cost you.” — Unknown
6 Ways You May Be Saying the Wrong Thing
1. Criticism Disguised as Help
You offer “constructive feedback” to a colleague, but it lands as a personal attack. You tell a friend, “I’m only saying this because I care,” yet your tone is more critical than kind. When we speak from frustration or superiority, even helpful messages can become hurtful.
The shadow here lies in the intention behind the words. We might feel justified in giving advice or pointing out flaws, but the way we deliver that message can strip others of their dignity. Rather than supporting growth, it reinforces shame.
Reflection:
- Am I speaking to uplift or to control?
- Is my tone respectful or condescending?
- Would I be willing to receive this feedback in the same way?
True Right Speech begins with humility. Before offering input, check your motivation. If it comes from care and respect, that will come through. If it comes from irritation or pride, that too will be felt.
2. White Lies and Half-Truths
We often avoid direct truth to spare someone’s feelings or to spare ourselves a difficult conversation. We may exaggerate a story, leave out a detail, or offer a polite but dishonest response.
While these may seem harmless, they chip away at authenticity. They create confusion and keep relationships on uncertain ground. What begins as a small lie becomes a pattern of avoidance, making it harder to trust or be trusted.
Reflection:
- What am I trying to avoid?
- Is the lie serving peace, or just postponing discomfort?
- Can I be honest while still being kind?
“It is better to trip with the truth than to stand with a lie.” — Epictetus
If you’re unsure if you are saying the right thing, aim for clarity over comfort. You can be gentle and still be truthful. For more on this topic, see: “Be honest: little white lies are more harmful than you think”
by Elena Svetieva & Leanne ten Brinke — Psyche (May 10, 2023)
3. Gossip as Concern
It often starts innocently: “I’m just worried about her” or “He told me not to say anything, but I think it’s important you know.”
Under the surface, though, we may be sharing stories that aren’t ours to tell. We may be bonding with others by talking about someone who’s not present. Even if we’re not being overtly cruel, the impact can still be harmful and cause negative outcomes.
In social situations, gossip can wear the mask of concern, but it often feeds a need to feel important, included or morally right. It can undermine trust and foster division, especially in group dynamics.
Reflection:
- Would I speak this way if the person were in the room?
- Am I sharing this to help, or to feel closer to someone else?
- Is this my story to tell?
Right Speech asks us to guard the reputations of others as we would want our own guarded.
4. Words That Divide
We might pass along something someone said, knowing it will create tension. We might describe a conflict in a way that subtly favours our side. We may even share truths, but with the aim of drawing lines rather than building understanding.
In the age of social media, divisive speech often happens in public view. A post, meme, or shared screenshot can split communities into opposing camps in hours. Algorithms reward outrage, meaning a heated comment can spread far faster than a thoughtful one. Before posting or sharing online, it’s worth asking if the content is fostering dialogue or fuelling division.
Reflection:
In any social situation, consider what you are about to say or post:
- Is this bringing people together, or driving them apart?
- Do I benefit in any way from sharing this?
- What would happen if I stayed silent instead?
“Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out.” — Unknown
Divisive speech may feel justified in the moment, but it often leaves regret in its wake.
5. The Need to Be Liked
You agree to something you don’t believe in. You offer flattery you don’t mean. You stay silent in a group even when something feels wrong. All because you want to be accepted.
This can be one of the most difficult shadows to spot. It doesn’t feel like harm; it feels like safety. But speech driven by the need for approval is often unclear, inconsistent and confusing to others.
Reflection:
- Am I being honest with myself and others?
- What part of me is afraid to speak truthfully?
- Can I tolerate being misunderstood or disliked?
When we speak only to please others, we silence our deeper values. Over time, we lose connection with our own truth.
6. The Silent Weapon
Harmful speech isn’t always spoken. Sometimes, the harm is in what we withhold. We stay silent when someone needs support. We shut down as a way to punish. We pretend all is well while resentment simmers underneath.
Silence can be powerful. It can communicate peace, presence, and respect. But it can also be used to manipulate or avoid. When silence is used as a weapon, negative outcomes occur, causing distance and confusion.
Reflection:
- Am I being silent from care, or from fear or pride?
- What am I withholding, and why?
- What might change if I spoke with vulnerability?
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
Right Speech includes knowing when to speak and when to stay quiet, but also recognising the emotional charge behind both.
Final Thought: From Habit to Awareness
Recognising the shadow side of speech doesn’t mean blaming ourselves. It means being honest. All of us have fallen into these patterns at one time or another. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness.
Mindfulness Exercises for Right Speech
- The Pause Practice – Before responding, take three slow breaths. Notice if your words are coming from calm awareness or from tension and impulse.
- The Three Gates – Before posting, texting, or speaking, ask: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
- Listening Meditation – Spend five minutes focusing only on listening to someone without planning your reply. This builds patience and presence.
- Daily Reflection – At the end of the day, recall one moment of speech you felt proud of and one you’d like to improve. Consider what you learned.
- Silent Awareness – Practise intentional silence for a few minutes each day, noticing the urge to fill space with words and allowing it to settle.
Each moment offers a new choice. When we notice our speech habits, we can pause, check if we are saying the wrong thing and return to the intention. We can speak less, listen more, and bring clarity where there was once confusion.
Start by asking:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
Because in the end, our words don’t just shape conversations. They shape trust. They shape relationships. They shape lives.
“Words are like eggs dropped from great heights. You can no more call them back than ignore the mess they leave when they fall.” — Jodi Picoult
At FDCW, we believe that cultivating inner values like right speech is not about perfection, but about awareness. To explore more reflections and tools for living with authenticity and compassion, view our resources here.
Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW)
At FDCW, we are committed to a more compassionate, wiser world. We provide resources, courses and training to develop qualities such as kindness, patience and honesty – qualities that are essential for meeting the challenges of the world we all share.
The Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW) was established as a global charity based in London in 2005. Since then, we have provided secular training, programmes and resources across many sectors of society – schools, universities, hospices, workplaces, healthcare, youth groups and community centres. Our courses have reached thousands of people across the world through our dedicated and growing network of facilitators in more than 20 countries.
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