When Living by Principles Turns Into Control
At the Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW), our ongoing series explores the shadow side of the 16 Guidelines. Each month, we look at how these core values, when misunderstood or shaped by unconscious habits, can show up in actions that limit our wellbeing and our connection with others. By bringing these patterns into awareness, we create space for deeper understanding, wiser choices, and real change.
This month, we continue with the fourth theme of the 16 Guidelines: How we find meaning in life, with a focus on Principles, the development of sincere, stable inner values that help us avoid harmful influences.
Living by principles can offer clarity, strength, and a sense of inner alignment. They help us stay anchored when life feels uncertain or confusing. But even this strength has a shadow. When our principles become rigid, absolute, or disconnected from compassion, they can start to serve something else, our need for control. We may stop listening, become critical of others, or impose our beliefs without truly seeing the people in front of us – living by principles turns into control.
As His Holiness the Dalai Lama reminds us:
“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.”
When compassion falls away, principles can harden into judgement. We may tell ourselves we are acting with integrity, when in fact we are avoiding complexity, vulnerability or connection. In this article, we’ll explore the signs and how to recognise that shift and how to return to living by principles in a way that is wise, flexible, and deeply human.
The Role of Principles in a Meaningful Life
Principles can offer a strong inner foundation. When rooted in sincerity and awareness, they help us act with integrity, even in moments of uncertainty. They remind us of who we want to be, not just when things are easy, but especially when life becomes challenging.
In the 16 Guidelines, Principles are described as developing sincere, stable inner values and avoiding harmful influences. This kind of stability supports us to make wise decisions, stay connected to our deeper intentions, and resist being swept up by habits, peer pressure or emotional conflict. Rather than being imposed from outside, true principles are developed through reflection, experience and discernment.
When we live by principles in this way, they support healthy relationships and a meaningful life. They offer direction without rigidity and help us navigate moral complexity with clarity, empathy and care. But like all strengths, they carry a shadow. In the next section, we’ll look at what happens when our principles become too fixed and how that shift can begin to limit rather than liberate us.
The Shadow Side: When Principles Become Rigid
While principles are meant to guide and support us, they can sometimes become rigid. When we hold tightly to a value, without space for context or compassion, it can start to create more harm than help. What once grounded us can begin to constrain us, limiting our ability to respond wisely to the people and situations around us.
This shift often happens quietly. We may believe we are standing firm in our integrity, but in truth, we might be avoiding discomfort, complexity or vulnerability. A rigid principle can serve as a shield, a way to feel in control or morally ‘in the right’ even if it causes pain or division. When we stop listening this can lead to a one-sided relationship where we become critical, or insist on being correct, we risk disconnecting from the very qualities that make a principle meaningful: compassion, humility and awareness.
The 16 Guidelines remind us that how we hold our principles matters just as much as what they are. Without wisdom and kindness, even our most sincere values can become distorted and lead to inflexibility and conflict.
Control in Disguise
When our principles become rigid, they may no longer guide us, they start to govern us. The shift is subtle. We tell ourselves we’re standing up for what’s right, but sometimes what we’re really doing is trying to feel safe, correct, or in control.
Consider a friend who values honesty and gives blunt feedback without considering timing or tone. While their intentions may be good, the lack of care creates tension and discomfort. Honesty without compassion can do more harm than good.
A passionate community activist might dismiss those who question their approach, insisting “there’s no time for debate.” Their principle of justice becomes so fixed that it shuts down dialogue, even among allies. Instead of building change and mutual respect, their stance begins to isolate.
We may think we’re holding to our values, but are we also holding on to control?
✧ Is my principle creating space, or shutting it down?
✧ Am I using it to connect, or to manage the outcome?
Control often wears the mask of clarity. But when we use our values to avoid uncertainty or push others into agreement, we risk turning a strength into a barrier. Principles without compassion can quickly become walls instead of bridges.
Psychological research supports this pattern: when people hold moral beliefs with strong conviction, they are more likely to show intolerance, dogmatism, and resistance to alternative viewpoints, even when presented with reasonable or corrective information. (Read more here)
The Cost of Compassionless Principles
When principles become disconnected from compassion, they lose their purpose. What begins as a sincere attempt to live ethically can shift into behaviour that causes tension, exclusion or harm. We may speak in absolutes, dismiss perspectives that don’t align with our own, or overlook the needs of others in service of “doing the right thing.”
In relationships, this can be especially damaging. A rigid principle applied without warmth can make others feel judged, silenced, or unseen. What we intend as integrity may be experienced as rigid control or even moral superiority. Over time, this can erode trust, not just in our relationships, but in the values themselves. Instead of guiding us toward connection, our principles become barriers resulting in one-sided relationships and unmet needs.
We also pay a personal cost. When we grip tightly to a fixed view of what is ‘right’, we may suppress discomfort, avoid vulnerability, and disconnect from our own inner wisdom. Compassionless principles can leave us feeling isolated, frustrated, or bitter, especially when others fail to live up to the standards we’ve set. In these moments, it’s worth asking: Am I serving the principle, or is the principle still serving what matters most?
Wisdom Means Knowing When to Soften
True principles are not fixed rules, they’re living values, shaped by context and care. Wisdom lies in knowing when to stand firm and when to soften. It’s the ability to recognise that being principled doesn’t always mean holding our ground. Sometimes, it means pausing, listening, or allowing space for another person’s reality to be heard.
For example, we may find ourselves insisting on a value like punctuality, believing it demonstrates respect. Yet if someone is consistently late due to personal challenges we don’t see, our firm stance might come across as cold or unfeeling. Rather than building connection, the principle starts to drive a wedge. In such moments, softening doesn’t mean abandoning the value, it means letting compassion inform how we apply it.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” — Rumi
Consider:
✧ Have I ever defended a value in a way that pushed someone away?
✧ Is it possible to hold a principle and still remain open?
Flexibility is not weakness, it’s maturity. To soften doesn’t mean to abandon our values. It means returning to their purpose. Principles are meant to guide, not punish. When we meet them with compassion, they can support both integrity and connection, helping us act with strength and sensitivity.
Returning to Balance: Awareness and Practice
The journey out of the shadow begins with noticing. When we become aware of how our principles are operating, whether they’re supporting connection or creating distance, we give ourselves the opportunity to shift. We stop acting on autopilot and begin to reflect with curiosity. Awareness is not about blame; it’s about choice. Through mindfulness practices, journaling reflections, self-reflection and honest conversations, we can begin to ask: Is this principle helping right now? Does it allow for kindness? Does it honour the reality in front of me?
It’s also helpful to pay attention to how others respond to our principles. Do they feel uplifted, or do they feel managed or judged? Do our principles open up dialogue or shut it down? Often, these subtle cues can show us whether our values are serving connection, or being used as armour. Practices such as deep listening, pausing before reacting, and checking our motivations can help re-centre us. Over time, we can become more skilled at recognising when a value is being used to support wisdom and when it’s drifting into ego or control.
Living by principles isn’t about being perfect. It’s about returning, again and again, to what really matters. When we let compassion guide our values, they become not just something we follow, but something we embody.
At FDCW, we believe that cultivating inner values like Principles are not about perfection, but about awareness. To explore more reflections, tools and training for living with authenticity and compassion, view our resources here.
Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW)
At FDCW, we are committed to a more compassionate, wiser world. We provide resources, courses and training to develop qualities such as kindness, patience and honesty – qualities that are essential for meeting the challenges of the world we all share.
The Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW) was established as a global charity based in London in 2005. Since then, we have provided secular training, programmes and resources across many sectors of society – schools, universities, hospices, workplaces, healthcare, youth groups and community centres. Our courses have reached thousands of people across the world through our dedicated and growing network of facilitators in more than 20 countries.
Support our Work
As a non-profit organisation, FDCW relies on donations like yours to continue producing valuable resources and hosting events. You can support us by sharing our newsletter, following us on social media, and making a donation. Every contribution, big or small, helps us in our efforts, and we truly appreciate it.
