Is Your Kindness Real? Recognising People-Pleasing and Passive Aggression

At the Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW), we are continuing our special series exploring the shadow side of the 16 Guidelines. Each month, we take a deeper look at how these profound values, when misunderstood, unbalanced or driven by unconscious motives, can manifest in ways that limit our well-being and relationships. By bringing these shadow patterns into the light, we create the opportunity to transform them into greater clarity, resilience and compassion. This month, our focus is on  the shadow side of Kindness.

“Kindness says: ‘I want you to be happy.’ To be kind means to be friendly, caring, generous, benevolent, considerate, respectful, fair and affectionate.”
—16 Guidelines for Life: The Basics by Alison Murdoch and Dekyi-Lee Oldershaw

We all value kindness. A warm smile, a thoughtful gesture, or a compassionate word can lift someone’s day and strengthen the ties that hold communities together. But not all kindness is created equal.

Sometimes, what appears to be kindness is something else entirely: an attempt to avoid conflict, to win approval, or to keep others close through subtle control. This is the shadow side of kindness, and it’s worth taking a closer look.

Genuine kindness flows freely. It doesn’t come with strings attached or hidden expectations. It arises naturally from a sense of connection and empathy.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
—HH. the Dalai Lama

Authentic kindness uplifts both the giver and the receiver. It nourishes relationships and allows us to act with clarity, presence and integrity.

Real kindness knows how to pause. It knows how to listen. It is attuned to timing, tone and the needs of the moment. It is not afraid to be firm or to say no when needed. In fact, kindness that is not rooted in truth can easily turn into something else—something manipulative or exhausting. This is where the shadow begins to creep in.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing can look like kindness, but it’s often rooted in fear— fear of rejection, being misunderstood or disliked. Instead of giving from the heart, we say “yes” when we mean “no,” take on too much, or avoid sharing our true thoughts.

Subtle forms of common pleaser behaviour often develop early in life. Perhaps we learned that our worth was based on being helpful, agreeable and making people happy. Maybe we were taught to avoid difficult conversations and confrontation at all costs. Over time, being liked becomes more important than being real.

People-pleasers often prioritise harmony over honesty. But over time, this kind of unhealthy behaviour leads to resentment, burnout and disconnection. Ask yourself: When I say “yes,” am I doing it freely, or to keep the peace?

If you recognise these tendencies, you’re not a bad person and you’re not alone— there are ways to gently shift them. This helpful Verywell Mind article outlines practical steps to stop people-pleasing while staying true to your values.

When kindness becomes a performance, it loses its heart. And the more we suppress our needs and voice on a deeper level, the more we risk acting out through indirect or passive-aggressive behaviour.

Passive Aggression Behind a Smile

Another shadow expression of kindness is passive aggression. We might appear friendly and agreeable on the surface while harbouring irritation or judgment underneath. Sarcastic comments, backhanded compliments, or silent withdrawal can all be signs that we are using niceness to mask discomfort.

Passive-aggressive behaviours from people are often a way of expressing anger without risking open conflict. But the negative consequences can be just as damaging. It confuses others, erodes trust, is a source of conflict in relationships and often leaves both parties feeling unheard and misunderstood.

“When you say something unkind, when you do something in anger, your words and actions cause damage. But when you say something kind, it brings healing.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh

This quote reminds us that true kindness is not just about being soft-spoken or polite. It’s about the energy and motivation behind our actions. If our kindness is masking hostility, it isn’t kindness at all—it’s avoidance dressed up as virtue.

5 Signs Your Kindness May Be Shadowed

1. You feel drained or bitter after being kind. If kindness leaves you feeling used or unappreciated, it may not be coming from a healthy place. True kindness in health relationships nourishes both parties.
2. You expect praise or gratitude. When your kindness isn’t acknowledged, you feel hurt or frustrated. This can be a sign that your actions were tied to a desire for approval, rather than unconditional care.
3. You’re more patient with strangers than loved ones. This may point to kindness that is about image rather than true connection. We may act kindly to strangers out of social expectation, but withhold compassion from those closest to us.
4. You silently resent others while smiling. This is a classic sign of a passive-aggressive person: giving on the outside while seething within. If you often think “I do so much for them” but don’t express your needs, resentment builds.
5. You’re known as “the good one” but feel unseen. If your identity is built around being helpful, your kindness and pleasing behaviour may be performative. You may feel like you’re only valued when you’re giving, which can be deeply depleting.

These signs in aspects of life are not reasons for shame. They are invitations to reflect and reconnect with our deeper intention.

How to Shift from Semblance to Sincerity

Kindness becomes powerful and induces healthy relationships when it includes honesty and boundaries. We can start by treating ourselves with the same care we offer others. That means resting when we’re tired, saying no when we need to, and listening to our own feelings.

This behavioural pattern shift takes courage. It may mean disappointing others or changing long-standing people-pleasing patterns. But in doing so, we make room for sincerity and trust. We no longer give from obligation, but from wholeheartedness.

Daily reflection can also help: “What’s my motivation in this moment? Am I offering from generosity, or from a need to be needed?”

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.”
—Pema Chödrön

This quote reminds us that true compassion does not place us above others. It recognises our shared humanity. When our kindness is grounded in equality rather than identity, it becomes more trustworthy and freeing.

Mindfulness, journaling, and honest conversations with trusted friends can all help us uncover the patterns behind our kindness. We may discover fears we hadn’t named, or needs we’ve been ignoring.

Assertive communication – by learning to say what we mean and mean what we say, our kindness becomes not only more authentic, but more impactful.

Practices to Clarify Your Kindness

1. Mind and Heart Reflection
Set aside five quiet minutes. Sit comfortably and breathe. Ask yourself: “What motivates my kindness today? Am I giving freely, or hoping for something in return?” Let the answers arise naturally, without judgment.

During this meditation, some may realise that their actions are not as generous as they previously thought. This realisation can be overwhelming and shocking. However, it’s important to remember that we all share this tendency, and it doesn’t make us bad people. In fact, we should rejoice in this revelation, as it’s the first step towards becoming a better person and achieving our own true happiness. This is something many people never have the courage to face, but is one of the first steps to truly love yourself and others.

2. Loving-Kindness Meditation
Begin with yourself: “May I be happy. May I be well.” When you feel grounded, extend it to others. Starting with self-compassion strengthens your capacity to care authentically. Explore FDCW guided meditations via Insight Timer.

3. The Kindness Audit
Keep a journal for a day or a week. Record each kind act and reflect: Was it genuine? Was there an expectation behind it? This practice builds self-awareness and compassion for your own complexity.

4. The Courage to Say No
Notice when you’re about to say yes out of guilt or habit. Practice pausing. Try saying, “Let me think about it”, and notice how it feels to create space for an honest response and enables you to set boundaries with people.

5. Small Acts of Self-Kindness
What is one small way you can care for yourself today, without justification or reward? A cup of tea, a slow walk, and turning off your phone. True kindness must include you.

Kindness as Awareness

Kindness is a wonderful quality. But for it to serve ourselves and others, we must be willing to examine what’s underneath. Are we giving freely? Or from fear? Do we mean what we say? Or are we hiding something behind the smile?

When we bring gentle awareness to these questions, we take the first step in transforming the shadow into strength. Kindness, then, becomes not just something we do, but something we live.

It stops being about pleasing or performing. Instead, it becomes a way of being: honest, open, courageous. The more we practise, the more we bring warmth not only to others, but to ourselves.

To explore these ideas more deeply, you can visit the FDCW’s 16 Guidelines for Life, where each guideline is a doorway into cultivating wisdom and compassion in everyday life. For additional tools, practices and reflections, the FDCW Learning Resources offers a wealth of supportive materials to continue your journey of inner growth.

Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW)

At FDCW, we are committed to a more compassionate, wiser world. We provide resources, courses and training to develop qualities such as kindness, patience and honesty – qualities that are essential for meeting the challenges of the world we all share.

The Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom (FDCW) was established as a global charity based in London in 2005. Since then, we have provided secular training, programmes and resources across many sectors of society – schools, universities, hospices, workplaces, healthcare, youth groups and community centres. Our courses have reached thousands of people across the world through our dedicated and growing network of facilitators in more than 20 countries.

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